Funny Jokes! Funny Picture! Enjoy: September 2008

EID MUBARAK

Funny Key

Salesman

A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, “Come In”.

He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched “Come In”.

As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.

As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.

Again, he heard the “Come In”.

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.

He said, “For Pete’s sake, is that all you can say is ‘Come In’?”

The parrot laughed and said “Sic Him”

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine...

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".

The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."

The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The layers told him to bring them along.

When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

The layer said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

Train

Cycle in flyover

Woman and Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist ask him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.”

Reverse CAR

Dear God! I beg You

Old Rich man and Young Woman

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re

Why Husband is Helping with Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness!

“You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my!

“WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

“Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Causes of divorce

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

Wedding Jokes

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Automobi

Bear Reading

Footstep

Three head dog

Mouse

Sunglass

Alcohol

Fried egg

Remote control

crying orange

Cow

cow on eggs

Great Dane Doggy

Which is worst

Man + woman

Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance

Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy

Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits

Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion

Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate overnight.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

The Wagon

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to.
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?
"Under the wagon!"

I don't owe anything for this drink

I don't owe anything for this drink
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Toilet paper

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

Woman's doctor

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Woman's husband

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

Gorgeous woman

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?” The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Getting married

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

baby

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

A Woman's Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

got married

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Morning

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Wife wake up

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

Prison Versus Work...

Let's analyze our workplaces and compare them to our prisons... Enjoy! :-)
Prison Versus Work

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.

At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison, you get three meals a day.

At work, you only get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for that one!

Prison Versus Work

In prison, you get time off for good behavior.

At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work!

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

Prison Versus Work

In prison, you can watch TV and play games.

At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison, they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work, you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison, you get your own bathroom.

At work, you have to share.

Prison Versus Work

In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

Prison Versus Work

In prison, you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work, there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work, well . . . we have managers!

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

Witch and Cat

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

Spooky Ghost

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

Pumpkin

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

Bright Pumpkin

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Spooky Ghost

Happy Halloween!

Secrets to a Long, Happy Marriage!

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.

8. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.

Wedding Cake

7. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

6. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Dancing Couple

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

4. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

3. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.

Garbage Can

2. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

and last but not least...

1. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off!

Why Dogs are Better than Humans!

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

9. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

7. Anyone can get a good looking dog.

6. Dogs don't care if you haven't taken a shower in days.

5. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

4. Dogs think every meal you cook is just perfect.

3. Dogs don't keep wearing your favorite clothes on the nights you need them.

2. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've had.

and last but not least...

1. Dogs even find you amusing when you're drunk!

Women Jokes

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.

Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "So what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,...

"The airbag."

Sunday

The preacher's Sunday sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80 percent held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived all those witches.

JAIL

Hey, do you know the REAL reason the government jails people for theft?

It's because they don't want any competition.

PAINTING

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

DNA Tests

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

one eyed blonde

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

My Wife

One man was walking back to his home. He was very very drunk at bar. So he got wrong way to go home. He reached the zoo insted of home. Then he reached Ape cage in the zoo. One Ape smiled him for food. He said "Oh my dear wife, don't look me like that, I can explain everything what i did."

Pray hard

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

An old man was critically ill...

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."

FUNNY VIDEO-KICK THE DOG

A guy was trying to console a friend...

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Funny Jokes! Funny Picture! Enjoy

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

EID MUBARAK

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Funny Key

Salesman

One day a lawyer was riding in his limosine...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Train

Cycle in flyover

Monday, September 22, 2008

Woman and Dentist

Reverse CAR

Dear God! I beg You

Friday, September 19, 2008

Old Rich man and Young Woman

Why Husband is Helping with Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Causes of divorce

Wedding Jokes

Automobi

Bear Reading

Bear Reading

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Footstep

Three head dog

Mouse

Sunglass

Alcohol

Fried egg

Remote control

crying orange

Cow

cow on eggs

Great Dane Doggy

Which is worst

Man + woman

The Wagon

Sunday, September 14, 2008

I don't owe anything for this drink

I don't owe anything for this drink

Toilet paper

Woman's doctor

Woman's husband

Gorgeous woman

Getting married

baby

Unusual Funeral

A Woman's Prayer

got married

Morning

Wife wake up

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Prison Versus Work...

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

Secrets to a Long, Happy Marriage!

Why Dogs are Better than Humans!

Women Jokes

Sunday

JAIL

PAINTING

DNA Tests

one eyed blonde

My Wife

Pray hard

An old man was critically ill...

FUNNY VIDEO-KICK THE DOG

A guy was trying to console a friend...

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